Selma Blair has a problem with on-screen nudity — not with doing it, but with audiences never being allowed to see it. Her latest film, Todd Solondz’s “Storytelling,” has become a cause celebre less for the film itself than because a disturbing interracial sex scene featuring Blair was censored — in order to get an ‘R’ rating — with a huge red box that takes up practically the entire screen.

“This was my first nude scene in a movie,” Blair explained to WWD from her hotel room in Vancouver, “and it’s deemed inappropriate — which is kind of disturbing. I mean, what’s wrong with my naked bare bony ass?”

Evidently, this isn’t the first time Blair’s body has been manipulated by the ever-wily film industry. “I was once in this film you’ve never heard of — ‘Brown’s Requiem’ — and one day I picked up the box at the video store and saw that they gave me huge knockers,” Blair railed. “My body is, like, always deemed unsuitable. Either they red-box me or they give me huge breasts.”

But Blair’s body issues pale in comparison to the real demon she’s battling: blonde envy. Last year, she costarred opposite Reese Witherspoon in “Legally Blonde,” and the film’s object lesson — that a determined blonde will leave a rival brunette in the dust anytime, anywhere — has evidently done a number on her. “Blondes,” Blair fumed, “they have everything I want.” She then enumerated a career literally strewn with setbacks perpetrated by blondes or blonde-identified brunettes. First, there was the time she read for the lead role in the TV show “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” which was subsequently snagged by blonde Sarah Michelle Gellar. “No one looked twice at me in the audition, but it’s OK,” Blair sighed. “Buffy was never my bag, anyway.” Then she lost out to Katie Holmes for “Dawson’s Creek.” Though Holmes is brunette, Blair explained, she might as well be blonde. “With ‘Dawson’s Creek’ it was just another case of the cute girl winning,” she lamented.

Even with a slew of high-profile events lined up for this year, Blair can’t seem to shake the brunette blues. “I’m going to be on the cover of the March Marie Claire, promoting ‘The Sweetest Thing’ (About Mary),” Blair laughed at the Cameron Diaz pun. “Actually, it’s just called ‘The Sweetest Thing,’ and there I am on the cover next to these two pretty blonde girls [Diaz and Christina Applegate] looking like a little brown mushroom.” The self-described “mushroom” also will be appearing in the April Vanity Fair, but again she’s not satisfied. “I was in Vanity Fair’s ‘Young Hollywood’ issue when I was neither young nor Hollywood,” she said. “This upcoming spread is called ‘Hollywood’s Working Girls’ — because brunettes actually have to work for a living.”

Evidently, Blair’s blonde ambition goes back to her childhood, where she was deeply influenced by Alfred Hitchcock’s epic treatise on blondeness, “Vertigo.”

“‘Vertigo’ was my favorite movie as a child,” Blair explained. “If I could be anything in the world, I’d be a Hitchcock blonde. Even though my mouth and my brain might be ghetto, everything about me longs to be Grace Kelly or Kim Novak — but, alas, I’m simply Selma Blair.”

“Simply” might not be the right word. In any case, Blair still has a few tricks up her sleeve, one of which is to keep straddling the divide between commercial films like “Cruel Intentions” (where she was tormented by recurring blonde counterweight Gellar) and little-known indie films like “Highway” (about two people who travel cross-country for a Kurt Cobain vigil). “I’m either a supporting role in big movies that everyone sees, or the lead in indie films that no one sees,” said Blair. “Some people say that indie is like being a big fish in a small pond, but it’s more like being a big fish on dry land. But that’s OK. I’m never a threat to anyone, and that’s the best position to be in. The blondes will never see me coming.”

Her other ploy is to subtly infiltrate the world of blondes, via fashion. “I normally stick to Ralph Lauren, because it endures, but I decided to wear Calvin to the premiere of ‘Storytelling,”‘ Blair confessed. “I didn’t want to soil Ralph by wearing it to that event. Just kidding! No, actually, I figure that all the CK girls are blonde, so wearing Calvin makes me blonde-by-association.”

GOLDEN GIRLS: San Francisco kicked off its social season last week with a whirlwind of events. On Tuesday, the San Francisco Ballet held its opening night gala at the Opera House, where a fashion savvy pack turned out, including Denise Hale, OJ Shansby, Yurie Pascarella and Tatiana Sorokko, who made waves in her Azzedine Alaia couture ensemble.

“Azzedine and I have been friends forever, so he promised to make me a gown,” confided Tatiana Sorokko, a former model. “Of course, Azzedine tells you what you’ll get — you wouldn’t dream of telling him!”

The previous day, Queen Noor of Jordan — in town to represent an international group of first ladies who work on behalf of women’s charities — attended the launch party for Stree, Global Investments in Women Foundation in Palo Alto.

Over at the Yerba Buena Center, prosecutor Kimberly Guilfoyle — perfectly styled in a black Yves Saint Laurent dress — waltzed into the Artists’ Faux Ball for the Arts with a great big grin.

“Everyone was supposed to come dressed as what they are not,” laughed Guilfoyle as she looked at the horde of women dressed as men and the San Francisco’s mayor disguised as a preacher. “I’m a serious attorney, so I came dressed as the glamour girl I wish I was,” she joked.

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